this smile….

… it really truly mesmerizes me. i have been on a quest to capture it on camera. its been quite a challenge. she clams up when she sees the camera and just stares wide-eyed. thats cute too, of course, but really, its the smile that just pierces.

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- fun family drives and weekend adventures

- sunshine! more hope of spring…

- dark, forboding skies…. and the desire to curl up and read, read, read.

- cleaning out the inbox…. one deleted email at a time…. this may take years.

- progress towards important goals

- recommittment of goals with very little progress made

- trading off for playtime with neighbor kids

- more baby smiles… will i ever lose my awe? (unfortunately, history tells me i will… somewhere in the two year old range, i assume…

- the 3 year old sitting next to me drawing “curly hair”… she is so special and unique and has such depth in her eyes. i love her.

- homemade salsa

- a friend with a dvr so i can watch the oscars afterall

 

tardy thankfulness….

its getting easier…. more of a rythem, this counting gifts. sure, i miss days of writing them down (trying to get better at that with my nifty new journal dedicated solely to the gift listing), but what is important is that i am SEEING them, noticing them, feeling them and not missing them.

some pics from last July that i recently found…makes me yearn for summer even more!

i still get on auto pilot and waste minutes, hours, even days on things that don’t matter. i still choose ungratefulness and anger rather than gratitude and grace.

but its still working… in me, on me. eucharisteo does that.

my 3 month old stopped me cold in my tracks… arms full, thoughts full, on my way to doing something that really was nothing. i glanced down as i was about to pass her on the futon… we locked eyes and her face literally lit up like a bright-white lightbulb. her smile was immediate and intoxicating. i dropped what was in my hands, forgot what i was on my way to do, and i sat and we talked, loved, smiled and laughed together. i had the thought,

“THIS. This is what being ‘all here’ is about. This is what motherhood is about. This is what it means to live in the moment. Why has it taken this long for me to ‘get it’? Oh how much I have missed out on these last 5 years…. Lord, please help me not to miss anymore of these priceless, precious moments again!”

… and that is when i realized that this gratitude thing, this eucharisteo thing is working. is changing. is moving me forward towards more grace and gratitude and peace.

and then there are the bad days…. full of missed moments, squandered moments, angry words, hurtful reactions.

but i can’t stay there. i get up and start the search again. grasp for more grace. and He gives it. He is faithful to open my eyes again… despite what happened yesterday. He is faithful to give the promised new mercies.

and that is when i sigh with relief and i smile in anticipation. i want more. i want to see more, thank Him for more, accept and live out His grace more… TODAY.

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- the baby smile that stopped me in my tracks and taught me.

- homemade bruchetta – tuscan style!

- daddy-daughter date nights

- siblings choosing peace and loving each other

- rain boots

- a dark navy stormy sky with brilliant bursts of sunlight reflecting on tiny green shoots on the trees and grass

- productive and fun family nights

- a new nephew that is cuter than cute and who is healthy and just perfect.

- a friend that sticks closer than a sister… and who listens and prays and counsels… and loves

- meeting new people, having old friends over and reconnecting

- getting a glance back into time – seeing my former self in the eyes, passions and life of a 14 year old girl.

- baby talk

- the new grill

- the 70 degree day that will singlehandedly get me through the rest of the winter

- the hope of spring… the tiny buds on the plant outside my window… soon. soon.

- dreaming up gardening plans

- the spontaneous shout from the 3 year old: you are the best mommy EVER!

- the three year old’s birthday… celebrating the gift she is

- the unbridled joy of a 5 year old when she counts to 100 for the first time

- a peaceful morning wake up after several not-so-peaceful morning wakeups

- seeing the two girls curl up in chairs in the early morning “reading”

- a box of fantastic books (for me!)

- the bliss of a pedicure with the sisters-in-law

- awesome plans for a neighborhood mom’s night out group…. YEA!

Three months…

… of pure bliss.

wow. we are so in love with this little girl. her smile is RADIANT. that is the only word i can think of that gets even close. she clams up every time i bring out a camera, big or small, so i haven’t been able to really capture that essence of her real smile.

but suffice it to say… its amazing. and it brightens the room and my spirits. every single time i see her smile. it never gets old.

i find myself rushing around here and there while she is just chillin’ on the couch. i glance down and see her watching me and when our eyes meet, she smiles HUGE and my heart melts FAST. and i stop in my tracks and sit and we talk.

yes, we have long conversations… oooh’s and aahhh’s and oh’s and gurgles. i make the sound, she reciprocates it. we talk. its wonderful and magical. if you could see her facial expressions while we talk, you would not doubt me. she is really talking… furrowed eyebrows, animated hands and all.

her favorite time of the day is when she wakes up… happy, rested, joyful, ready for the day. i wish i could wake up like that. maybe someday…. maybe.

she still isn’t a fan of the carseat… and she lets us know in no uncertain terms. she’s got some lungs, man. and some tenacity. i told john that i don’t think the “cry it out” method will ever work with her. she rarely gets to the “out” part of the equation… rather she cries until you “out” her of her current situation… no matter how long it takes.

she loves people, crowds, noise. she wants to see people and see the action going down. no holding her in the cradle position… nope. she wants to be up front and center. part of the action. she is peaceful and content most of the time. a gift to me for sure!

nadia – you are pure joy. you brighten my mornings… every morning. you stop me in my tracks with your loving smile and bright eyes. you are teaching me what it means to slow down and ENJOY the moments. to enjoy my children. as Ann says, “life is not an emergency.”  i need to slow down more. snuggle more. read more. sit more. create more together. thank you , nadia, for helping train me in the way a momma really should go.

She’s Free!!!

thats how we say “three” around here, yo!

i can’t believe she is three. and then i can. two has been one long hard year… for her as well as me. we have often seemed like oil and water. or maybe more like gasoline and fire. she knows my buttons well… and pushes them often. i know she knows my buttons well and i still react. its a vicious cycle. one that i hope to rectify with intention, love, lots of snuggles and a healthy dose of self control. i am also hoping that moving out of the terrible twos will aid in the process….

getting ready for her birthday breakfast date with daddy:

nevertheless… oil or gas and all, sydney anne is a JOY to us and i for one am so thankful she is part of our family. it wouldn’t be the same without her. not even close. her smile. her laugh. her unrestrained joy. her attention to detail. her random “mommy, you are the best mommy,” comments. they are all precious to me. priceless.

she has grown so much in a year. talking. thinking (more rationally). opinions. interests. singing. reading. all this and more evolved this past year of her life.

the many faces of sydy-boo:

she loves to sing. she puts her thoughts and ponderings to song many a time. one of my faves is ” if you want to know anything… just ask mommy.”

she is totally kinetic. being the bright mom that i am… i just really discovered that recently. after weeks of pure destructiveness (all with her little fingers involved), it dawned on me that maybe, just MAYBE, she needed something constructive to do with her hands. it was an ah-ha moment….. that really should have taken place a long time beforehand. play-doh is now a daily activity. painting and drawing are becoming more frequent activities. i am about to bust out the scissors and glue and let her cut and paste to her heart’s content. and yes, predictably, the destructive behaviors have definitely gone down.

she loves to put things in order, in lines. she loves to do imaginary voices and dramas. she loves her movies and tv shows for sure. she loves loves to swing at the park. and slide. and run.

and she loves to get up at the crack of dawn. this i am not so wild about. ever.

she is not a big fan of large, loud groups (quite the opposite of her big sis). she is quiet and more private and independent. she is protective of her sister and has stepped into situations to defend adelaide’s rights. she likes her personal space (another polar opposite of her big sister). she definitely does her own independent thing, and i love that about her.

from her party:

she loves stink bugs, salamanders and worms. but is beyond terrified of small ants.

the good stuff…

sydney, you are a treasure and a priceless gift to us. we adore you and are loving watching your personality emerge as you grow. i love your individuality. i love to see you dance and twirl. i love to see you embrace and enjoy life. i love snuggling with you and reading with you. i love that you love your sister. i can’t wait to see what this third year holds for you and us all. we are SO happy God blessed us with YOU! may you thrive and dance and flourish this year… may you always live up to your name… Sydney Anne “full of grace”…

and just for fun…. my favorite pic of sydy ever (thus far)… two years old:

finally…. time to blog.think.reflect.breathe.

i have been trying to blog all week. every time i sat down to the computer someone would need me, something would happen, or i would nearly fall asleep looking at the screen (if it was anytime after dark).

all three girls are down, john is away playing basketball at the park. and here is my moment! although, even as i type this, i am sitting here on edge wondering who is going to wake up first and when will i hear the pitter patter of feet upstairs..

CHELS. be all here. focus.

alot went on this month…. there was valentines day of course, and then sydney’s 3rd birthday and nadia turning 3 months… there were new friends met and made… old pictures discovered from last summer that hadn’t been edited or backed up…. old memories relived… painful conversations… moments i messed up and lost forever… crafts discovered… personalities emerging more clearly and with vigor… nearly perfect weather enjoyed outside… good fellowship with friends near and far… more churches visited… more yearning for a church home and fellowship… green grass emerging from the melting snow… devastating dental experiences…

it was a full month. and we await Beth and Josh’s baby any moment, any day. the 4th grandbaby for John’s mom and dad. the first grandson.

i am behind on my list-making… my gifts of gratitude. i haven’t sought them out like i should, like i WANT to. i yearn to see more… more of the beauty and less of my flesh and selfishness in the daily grind of life.

and there it is…. the first pitter patter of feet awaking from naptime. at least i got this far.

*pics from the balloons from sydney’s party… they are such happy balloons. more pics to come of the girls and the parties…

 

 

 

Misc Moments and Memories…

I have a folder labeled “misc” inside each month’s folder of pictures on my computer. It sounds so unimportant. But in reality, most of life is lived miscellaneously, you know? Some call it the “in between” time. In between event/happening A and B. I remember hearing one of the leading photographers in the world talk about looking for “the moment in between the moments,” and that has always stuck with me. But i digress…

The in between… It is where real life is lived. Where the mundane tests and refines you. And although it isn’t some exotic trip to Thailand or momenteous family event, there is beauty to be seen and experienced in the “misc.”

I am re-reading through Ann’s book and slowly ingesting enlightening truth… that there is Beauty to be beheld if only we can train the eyes to see it. Joy to be had and felt and lived if we only can train our hearts and minds to choose to see it. I have far to go…. a long journey ahead of me. But I’m in. I am committed to learning this eucharisteo way of living life to the full. However many baby steps it may take, however many times I fail and fall. Victory, for me, will be in the getting up, dusting off, setting the jaw and keeping counting the gifts in the misc  moments of my life.

Some “misc” images from real life around here…

morning snuggles and giggles…. and left hooks.

this pic totally doesn’t do her smile justice. she apparently isn’t a huge fan of the camera. she clams up whenever i have it and won’t do her big, killer, melt-me-and-get-anything-out-of-me smile. will have to rectify this.

yea! her first non-sleeper outfit! i love it when they get big enough to start dressing in cute outfits. this one was a thrift store score.

so we get home from somewhere… sydy decides to go outside to play. she has to walk past the bathroom to get outside and instead of doing her business there, she goes outside to the frigid cold and pulls down her pants and pees in the snow. makes sense, right? right.

took a little trip to one of my favorite DC joints.. the Botanic Gardens. this place does my soul good in the winter time here… warm, colorful, green, humid. and free to get into.

must work on the fake smile thing… sheesh.