… and i keep putting it off.
i was meeting at a women’s bible study today and the course of the conversations got me reflecting on the wonder of my kids. the joy. the blessing. the gift they are. how can it be that i can go days without pondering this? sure, i tell them i love them every day. there are kisses and hugs and smiles. but sometimes the smile is only on my lips and not in my eyes. because the smile isn’t in my heart. and what is in my heart comes out in my eyes. my kids have revealed this to me. “mommy, why are your eyes like that?” ouch. ouch. am i stupid enough, or short sighted enough to think they don’t see behind that mouth-only smile?
so there are those kinds of days. i wish there were fewer of them.
and then there are days like today. full of wonder, greatfulness, excitement. i found myself sweeping the floors while all three of them napped. then a thought ran through my head, ” i really should be getting some ‘down’ time, reading, or napping or something, instead of cleaning….. i could finish cleaning when they wake up..” and then i thought, “no! i want to clean now… and spend some time just BEING with them today…..”
i started writing this post on a “good” day… like the one described above. today, however, was a not-so-good day. it was awful, actually. i won’t even keep talking about it. just suffice it to say that if i were to wax elloquent about my kids on this blog and they could read it, they would most likely look at me and say something to the effect of, “really, mom? REALLY? you could have fooled us.”
but in the wise words of Miss Stacy…. “tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” i will just leave off the “yet” and hope for the best tomorrow…. for all of our sakes.
HOWEVER….. i am finishing this post on this no-good-awful-terrible day because its how i REALLY feel about my kids. its what is TRUE and good and right and profitable and lovely… and i want to go to bed dwelling on that and not on the failures of today.
my kids, they are just amazing. i love seeing their personalities developing and emerging more and more these days. even when that personality clashes with mine. even when it leaves me banging my head on the table not knowing what to do or say next. they are lovely, beautiful, sweet, oh-so-forgiving, little people. and i love them so very much. so this is a little something for them to read someday. i don’t tell them things like this enough. i will start tomorrow. but tonight, this is for me to reflect and remember and ponder these precious ones in my heart. and maybe even cry a little as i write…
Adelaide, someday you are going to read this, and i want you to know that i love talking about you. in a good way. i love watching you grow into such an awesome big sister and firstborn in this family. you love to be helpful and peaceable. i love seeing you share things and teach things to your sister. this past summer i saw something in you that just touched me to my core. i saw this tenderness in you that emerges at just the right time for just the right kind of people… people that could use an extra dose of lovin’. and you pick up on it lightening fast and are sooooooo happy to give that extra dose of lovin’ and affirmation and hugs and attention. like with Great Nana this summer in Cape Cod. wow. you would have thought the two of you were best friends from days gone by. you loved on her, kissed her, hugged her, just sat with her, holding her, over and over and over again. she loved being loved on. and you loved knowing she was being loved on. since then i have seen you do this a few other times. i see Jesus’ love coming through you to others. you pick up on emotions and sense things way beyond your years. you are tenderhearted and i absolutely have much to learn from you in this department. i think you are going to be instrumental in showing people the love of God, not just telling them about it. i love you sweet girl.
Sydy-boo…. you amaze me. and send me for a loop some days. but oh how i love you. more and more each day. what i have seen this summer and even more in the recent weeks is a quiet leadership quality start to emerge in you. yes, i know you are only 3. but wow, girl, you have influence beyond your years. you don’t lead others in a bossy or demeaning way… you lead others in a quiet and strong and independent way. right now you are leading all your neighborhood girl friends in back yard scientist endeavors. how many of your friends have you unassumingly converted to bug, worm, centipede and grasshopper catching??! its amazing. i watched you do this just the other day at a picnic with an entire group of total strangers. while everyone was playing on the playground, you quietly slipped to the side and began your bug search in earnest. within minutes, you had a small crowd of tiny girls around you and you happily hosted the bug catching and shared your love of all things bugs with them. wow. i see some amazing things in your future. your sense of independence and adventure (which terrifies me right now at times) is going to take you places many others wouldn’t dream of going … and i can’t wait to cheer you on as you follow God wherever He leads you. just please don’t try to take off on your own in the next 15 years, ok?! i love your kisses and hugs. they are strong and healing.
Nadia, you are pure joy. i don’t know how else to describe you. just lots and lots of joy and peace. just what i needed in my life about now. i love seeing you wake up happy, go to bed happy, play happily. i love holding you when you snuggle in and suck your thumb. i know these days are fleeting and will be gone in a blink of an eye. i am holding onto these moments with you. you are a foodie, through and through. you love music and love to dance, already. i can’t wait to have a dance party with you. your smile touches me in the deepest part of my heart. and holds me tight. i love your laugh. i love that you want to talk and walk so badly… but i have to admit i am glad you aren’t doing either yet. i love seeing you speed crawl. i love seeing your face light up when you see your sisters. you are such a treasured gift in my life, our lives. we are sooooo glad God made you just the way you are. you are so well loved in this neighborhood…. by kids and parents alike. i love to see the kids stop what they are doing and gently bend down and love and kiss you. you won’t be the baby of the neighborhood for long, but for now, you are basking in that status.